Monday, June 29, 2009

Webster Cracks- Gotts Celebrates Emphatic Win


The world mourns the loss of a truly outstanding beard. As you can see from the above photo, many recognised Webster's face rug to be far superior to Gotts' scraggy effort, but his feeble will was broken by weeks of pressure, insults and pain.

As many men know, shaving off a full beard can be one of the most emotional yet entertaining things in life. Many beards have been trimmed into hilarious styles, but usually in the privacy of one's bathroom by men who have considered "What would I look like if was a cowboy?", "Does this Victorian moustache enhance my manliness?", "Does this 'tache make me look like Chaplin or more like Hitler?".

Here are the astounding images for all to see....












Gotts has elected to keep his beard for a while longer, although now the beard-off has let up, he can trim it to a more respectable style and length, confidant that he can bask in the hairy glory of being a winner for once.


WebsterGotts wish to thank everyone who made these beards possible. Cheers for the support, the ridicule, the pity, the love and most of all, for bothering to follow the journeys of these beards from stubble, to food-encrusted jungles and back again.

(7th April 2009-1st July 2009)


Monday, June 08, 2009


The beards have now reached the two month mark. Our heroes have begun experimenting with styles, but they are still waiting for the optimum length and the right looks before they are unleashed.

Until then, here are some exciting pictures to keep you going.



Monday, May 18, 2009

The Beards Are Back

It has been a while since the last beard update but worry not, your favorite hirsute heros have been growing hard and showing off their orange chin plumages all over town.


The last few weeks have been emotional and itchy, resulting in a near shaving incident. However, disaster was averted with some honest support and encouragement between contestants via text message:

Gotts: I am so close to shaving my beard off. Please advise me. Give me guidance!
Webster: Don't be a FUCKING wimp! Hows that for guidance?
Gotts: Not good enough! Think it's gonna come off!
Webster: No think of the blog. Come on, we need to make them impressive or its all for nothing.


As you can see the advice worked, although Gotts's new found determination is owed to more than a few positive words from one man. After resigning himself to a hairy life of celibacy, Gotts saw a light at the end of the tunnel when he received some female attention from a young lady in a bar, and this was in no doubt due to his overgrown face carpet. In fact, the compliments did not stop there. Another romantically persuaded filly described Gotts's beard as "distinguished", and he was rewarded for his determination.


The progress in the beards is obvious with Gotts leading the way in length and Webster fighting back with good old fashioned bushiness. Webster's bushiness is due to a change in trimming tactics i.e. no trimming what so ever resulting in an itchy hairy neck. This has proven popular with the ever demanding public.
Quote; "Growing your neck beard is the difference between you looking like a man with a beard, and a sailor".
Public opinion generally favours Webster's beard. As some idiot in a bar surmised when informed of our beard-off; "He (Webster) is DICKING you!". WebsterGotts understood this to mean the gentleman preferred the aesthetic qualities of Webster's chin rug.


As the famous saying goes, "When the growing gets tough, the tough get growing", and despite many hairy tribulations, WebsterGotts are persevering. Pride must triumph over discomfort, and this pearl of wisdom passed down by Gotts's Father states; "A man must suffer for his beard". And suffer they will.


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Beard Update

The beards are in full swing!



As you can see from the above images, Webster's facial fuzz is well on the way to becoming a genuine beard. The growth is thick, and the russet colour gives it strength and meaning. However, the rate of growth is a little slow, but the wait will be worth it for a luxurious, full-bodied face rug.



Gotts's beard is rather different. Although the speed at which the hair is racing form the skin is great, it is also sporadic. This gives the effect of a straggly beard that lacks colour, depth and motivation. But from a distance, the overall look is becoming impressive, and it can only improve with time.

Both Webster and Gotts are now beginning to experience the 'Moustache curl-back', where the hair of the upper lip grows to such a length that it curls back into the lip, occasionally causing mild discomfort. This is nowhere near as serious as, say, a rabbit's ingrowing tooth. Both artists have decided to go along the route of non-tash-trimming, to instead perform a 'side-sweep' action that will hopefully encourage the hair to direct itself sideways, across the lip, resulting in a fine example of a moustache. It is possible that moustache wax will soon be required.

As far as problems go, the main setbacks appear to be the eating of breakfast cereals. Webster has reported a 'slopping of milk' around his face-garden. This very morning, Gotts almost left the house with a blob of porridge stuck to his hair-bib. Pastries are also becoming an issue.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Birthday Beard-Off Update

It's been ten days of hard beard-growing. WebsterGotts have been straining their faces and eating their crusts, all razors have been chucked and chin shampoo has been poured, with stunning results.



As you can see from these images, beard-growing is not all fun and games. The pitfalls of biscuit crumbs and the horrors of cappuccino froth are plain to see. This is ok for Webster who can rely on the support of a long-term partner, but Gotts is aware that he will have to scrap all romantic notions for the next few months.


Remember, this is not a race, but a test of endurance. However, gentlemanly admiration will be awarded for style, shape, colour and bushiness. There are some rules to this competition.

1a. There will be absolutely no trimming of the beard area.
b. Modest trimming of the moustache area is permitted, but this may detract from the overall effect.
c. Trimming of the neck area is permitted, perhaps necessary to retain a job and home. However, trimming must not pass the upper jawline mark.



2a. The contest must continue until one of the contestants buckles and shaves.
b. There will be a stiff penalty for the offending shaver, to be decided in time.
c. Less serious penalties will be dished out for illegal or excessive trimming.

3a. Photographs must be taken each week to document the beardy progress.
b. Compliments and condemnations must be noted and reported on the blog.
c. Followers of the blog may offer encourage, support, praise and ideas for punishments, by clicking on the 'comments' link.

WebsterGotts believe that growing strong facial hair will strengthen their artistic appearance and recognition. All the best artists have great facial hair. Fact.



Tuesday, April 07, 2009

A Celebratory Beard-Off!

Good day to you all!

The WebsterGotts Art Blog is 2 years old this month! Instead of last years debauched piss-up, WebsterGotts have decided to celebrate this landmark with a series of events and projects, the first of which is the world-famous WebsterGotts Beard-Off!!!

In a homage to Tehching Hsieh (a very influential artist to WG), WebsterGotts have challenged one another to grow their facial hair for as long as they can bear, the first to buckle and shave shall be the loser! The contest shall be documented with regular photos of the face gardening progress on THIS BLOG!

Contestant WEBSTER:

Contestant GOTTS:

As you can see, their efforts are so far rather puny. But Gotts has a clear head start over Webster. No matter, this is not a race, but a test of endurance. Who can tolerate a beard over the summer months the longest?!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Picnic In Peckham


Last Saturday, WebsterGotts were invited to partake in an event in Peckham Square.

The Role of the Village Idiot, curated by Mark McGowan, was, in his own words "An afternoon of public art/street performance on Peckham Square and the theme of the afternoon is performance and the role of the village idiot. Obviously we have the holy fools, shakespears court jester, the dada art movement, but the village idiot is something else he/she is something other, something familiar, somebody we all know and recognise in our local communities. Here we will attempt to investigate, the role of the village idiot, the question of a necessary expulsion, the emotion of shame and how that relates to modern day life, street theatre and public art. Mainly using gesture and small props the artists will attempt to engage with the everyday happenings in peckham square."

WebsterGotts took this opportunity to have a quiet and civilised picnic. After a genteel ramble from Sheffield to Peckham, they settled down to an afternoon of writing and cheese ploughmans. Despite the pissing rain, they had a relaxing day and produced some fine calligraphy, documenting the day's events. Unfortunately, but perhaps fittingly, proceeds turned a little medieval, as WebsterGotts were caught in the crossfire of some unripe tomato flinging between local children and genuine idiots. Despite this, fun was had by all, and WebsterGotts cannot wait for their next outing...





Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Swinton Rail Tragedy


Twas the night of the famous Arts Council 'Grants For The Arts' seminar in Swinton (near Rotherham). Bad luck is never far away from WebsterGotts, and disappointment lurks behind every corner. Tonight was to be no different. What would surely be a simple task for any other artists, the short train journey from Sheffield to Swinton turned into a living nightmare for WebsterGotts.

After spending hours sitting in a cafe listening to karaoke versions of Fleetwood Mac songs, they embarked on this easy voyage. Unfortunately, the pathetic and frustrating rail network was against them. Once sat upon their chosen carriage, it slowly dawned upon WebsterGotts that this astonishingly slow train was going to make them over 40 minutes late for their important seminar, despite rail information stating that this train would arrive on perfect time.

Upon arrival at the Swinton Lock Leisure Club, where said Arts Council seminar was being held, WebsterGotts found all doors and windows locked, with no staff at reception. Despite numerous phone calls to the office and endless bell ringing they were forced to concede defeat and begin their miserable and cold journey home to Sheffield. So to this day WebsterGotts remain poor and in the dark on all issues Arts Council related.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Blog Party

Due to recent disappointments, WebsterGotts decided that they needed to cheer themselves up. Just the other day they realised that this very blog was 1 year old in April! They were so busy feeling sorry for themselves that they stupidly let this landmark occasion pass them by without a momentous celebration.

This mistake has been put right. WebsterGotts have heroically picked themselves up, dusted themselves down, and, despite their current poverty, partied hard.

Here is a video of this stylish and dignified blog party.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Woe Is WebsterGotts

Once again WebsterGotts' hopes and dreams have been shattered- this time in a particularly mean fashion.

WebsterGotts are currently leading a life of poverty, they have no money or food, and this is the reason for their recent lack of activity.

For a short time there appeared to be a light at the end of the tunnel, as a group called Centrifuge offered a possibility of funding for WebsterGotts to make a new video. With this money, they could have eaten, clothed themselves and maybe even afforded a studio. Certainly, it would have allowed them to make some more truly great art work.

But at the eleventh hour, this flickering glimmer of hope was cruelly extinguished. The money will now go to other, more privileged artists who wish to continue jetsetting and pretending to make art work.

Below is the appeal video that WebsterGotts sent to Centrifuge. See if you could bear the guilt of not making a donation to them. Unless of course (like the Centrifuge group), you think they are just not good enough to get funding.

Sadly, everything in this video is actually true. WebsterGotts do indeed use a cupboard as a studio, they have terrible part-time jobs, and cannot afford coffee.

To top things off, Centrifuge would still like WebsterGotts to contribute to a publication. For free. What do YOU think they should do?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Happy Birthday Site Gallery!!!

Site Gallery is 300 years old on 18th March 2008! Congratulations, that'll be a hat-trick of letters from His Royal Highness The Queen!

To celebrate this happy event, and thank them for their support, WebsterGotts have commissioned the Let's Have A Look archaeology team to delve into the history of the gallery.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Once Upon A Time In The West (Midlands)

It's been two months since WebsterGotts last posted. So bloody what? They're not machines you know. So, after battling many holidays, jobs and emotional problems, WG bring you their latest adventure in the lonely art world.

If WebsterGotts were builders, they'd be labelled cowboys. But they are not builders (even if they behave like it on occasion). They are construction workers of the metaphysical, if you will. Artisans of the cultural soul, if I may. Rope-swingers of inclusive creation, if they might.

But sometimes art can just create problems, as we will find out....

"There Ain't No Art In Bearwood" was created for the exhibition "Where The Deer And The Antelope Play" by Mandy Rees and WebsterGotts, at Crowd6 Gallery, Bearwood, Birmingham. for more details.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Art Warning

Webstergotts would like to apologise once again for not making much art in the recent weeks. Howevever, there is a good reason for this:

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Rejection Dejection

This week WebsterGotts' dreams went down in flames. They discovered that they had been turned down for yet another exhibition proposal.

Perhaps this indicates that they should stop making such appalling and childish 'artwork'.

Your comments please....

Friday, July 20, 2007

The Coffee Mile

WebsterGotts feel they have been out of touch with the art community of late. This is a bad thing in the art industry. When artists distance themselves from other artists it can affect their careers. Obviously the most important thing about being an artist is hanging out in the right places and going to parties to pretend to be interested in other artists' work. In short, if no-one knows who you are, you're a nobody.

To reaquaint themselves with the intellecultural, metroboho, supercontemporary, city-lazing creatives, WebsterGotts decided to embark on Sheffield's world-famous 'Coffee Mile'. Ecclesall Road has Europe's highest concentration of coffee shops per square inch. Surely there must be shitloads of artists along there. WebsterGotts need to broaden their range of known artist hang-outs.

So WebsterGotts went to every establishment that sold espressos and allowed them to sit down (preferably reclining on leather sofas) along the 'Coffee Mile'.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dogging In Peckham

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As mentioned in the previous post, WebsterGotts were invited by Space Station 65 Gallery to a fantastic day out at Peckham Pet-Tastic 3, a festival and picnic for dogs and dog owners.

They brought with them their own breeds, Duchess and Pepe. To make some additional doggy chums, they filled their filthy boiler suits with squeaky dog toys. Armed with these suits of canine confusion, WebsterGotts were able to diffuse doggy conflicts and entertain the less aggressive mutts.

Pepe and Duchess also made many new friends.

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Pepe is a Pygmy Burmese Wrottwangler, shown above meeting Todger the French Mongolian Water Labrador.

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Duchess is a fine example of a Blue Mountain Mastikk. She enjoyed being ragged around by this Transylvanian Short-Winged Poodle (above).

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Pepe proved to be a family dog, a big hit with children and ex-wives alike (see video below).

All in all, WebsterGotts had a grand day out, and are now confident that they know shitloads about dogs and how they tick.

Thanks to Rachael and Jo, and everyone else who took part in Peckham Pet-Tastic 3.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Peckham Pet-Tastic 3

WebsterGotts wish to invite you to Peckham Pet-Tastic 3, a fancy dress picnic for dogs and dog owners, organised by Rachael House of Space Station 65 Gallery.

WebsterGotts have never owned a dog. In fact, dogs make them both a little bit nervous. They will travel to Peckham on Saturday 23rd June to bridge the gap between artist and canine.

To do this, they have engineered and supplied special treats for both dogs and their dog owners.

• WebsterGotts will become human dog toys, so that no dog can resist them!

• Duchess and Pepe will accompany Alexis on leads all day. They are specially designed for dogs of all ages to enjoy thoroughly. Don’t be afraid to introduce your pet pals to these two!

• And for the owners, there are special presents from Scott’s bin!

Please come along and take time to introduce yourself and your dog to WebsterGotts, show them how dogs are a man’s best friend, and teach them to be a dog’s best friend.

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Here's the info in crude copied-and-pasted-from-an-email format:

Peckham Pet-Tastic 3
a fancy dress picnic for dogs

Saturday June 23rd, 2.00pm-5.00pm,
Peckham Square, (outside Peckham Library) Peckham High Street SE15

There’s no place like home.
Once again, Rachael House invites you to make a costume, dress up your dog, and bring it along to Peckham Pet-Tastic 3, the canine art social event of the year.

During 2006 Rachael House’s Peckham Pet-Tastic was enticed far away. In May, dogs dressed up and congregated at Hå gamle prestegard in Norway. In August, Bexhill Bow-Wow transformed the De La Warr Pavilion into a gaudy throbbing mass of dogs and humans. In 2007 we even went to neighbouring Lewisham.

Now Peckham Pet-Tastic is back where we belong, in Peckham Square, our spiritual home. Bigger, bolder and even more extravagantly beautiful.

We are excited to be joined this year by artists Marcia Farquhar (well, her stand in, she can’t be there in person), WebsterGotts, Daniel Lehan, Simon Ould and Laura Wilson. While you exchange tales of stepping in it with Marcia’s doppelganger, duo WebsterGotts will desperately be attempting to befriend your dog. You won’t believe your eyes as Simon transforms himself into a canine war hero. Daniel will be headlining dogs in the news as Laura feeds you popcorn and reminisces about dogs of the silver screen. You may also dress a dog-shaped biscuit with icing, decorate a dog mask and become part of the pack, have your face painted to more closely resemble a dog and pose for photos with a Pound Puppy.

As if that’s not enough, there is also a display of dog masks embellished by artists Edwina Ashton, Marc Baines, Gayle Chong Kwan, Susan Collis, Craig Conlan, Jo David, Sarah Doyle, Amanda Francis, Sam Jones, Lady Lucy, Rebecca Nassauer, Stephen Nelson, Woodrow Phoenix, Hester Reeve, Rosemary Shirley, Andrea Stokes, Shane Waltener and Annie Whiles.

The face of PPT3 is Onion the miniature bull terrier, artist’s muse and star of film and video. Rachael has made Onion a glamorous Lady Luck costume for PPT3. Make sure you pay Onion your respects, and good fortune will certainly follow you.

Peckham Pet-Tastic 3, once more with feeling.

Buses: 12, 36, 37, 63, 78, 136, 171, 177, 312, 343, 345, 363, 381, 436, 484, P12, P13
Rail: Peckham Rye, Queens Road (from London Bridge)
Tube: Oval, Elephant and Castle or New Cross Gate (then bus)

Free Admission. Ground level, wheelchair access.

Peckham Pet-Tastic 3 is a Space Station Sixty-Five Satellite Project. For more information

Peckham Pet-Tastic 3 is dedicated to the memory of Deen David, her support helped to make it all possible.

Kindly supported by Bryan Smith, SMITHS Pet Stores, 57 North Cross Rd. East Dulwich SE22 & Grunts for The Arts.